Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

Ian has been counting down for today for at least a month! He talked about it all the time and announced what he was going to be on an hourly basis. Of course, I should have seen the signs. His costume of choice changed EVERY TIME HE SPOKE!

To name a few:
and I know I'm forgetting the entire list he created after he got his hands on a copy of the Pottery Barn Kids' Catologue for October.

Vampire with a cape had been his request since the beginning. He asked me repeatedly if he could have a cape. Then he asked if he could call Mumzy so she could make him a cape. Then he called her. When he got the costume she made in the mail he was COMPLETELY excited. Put it on and paraded around the house.

And then...

He woke up this morning and really wanted no part of Halloween. No dressing up. Okay I thought, 3PM before his school's trick or treat outing through midtown. No problem.

His friends showed up for a morning rainy day playdate and cupcake decorating (errr eating) party. Addy was a lovely pink fairy. And Ian was obsessed...with her wand, her wings, her pinkness. He wouldn't stop asking me if he could share it, have it, use it, be it. It when on and on until I made him his own wings (thank goodness for old unused paper scrapbooking supplies!). He made a lovely rendition of Puck complete with wings and no shirt. (I know, technically Puck didn't have wings, but whatever...technically he was made up)

I'd show photos but it seems I've filled up my external hard drive and have NO MORE ROOM for photos on my computer!! Guess what I'm getting this weekend?!

The rest of the day well...had it's highlights and moments. I'll post more tomorrow. It makes me too tired to think about now.

On a positive note...what did I learn today?

Halloween is for kids. Costumes are just that. And if the kiddo wants to be a fairy/pirate/bear/vampire at the same time. So be it. Hats off to all of the parents out there who send their kids trick or treating in the worst costumes ever because that is what your kiddo wanted to wear!! (pottery barn be damned...)

oh...and mom...there are no photos of Ian in his amazing costume...because he never actually wore the entire thing together today...but it was a great costume.

He'll wear it for Christmas I'm sure!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008


My entire goal tonight is to keep Ian awake. That's it. As long as we (I) can do it. He is excited. He gets a "special" night with plenty of snacks and videos and games and whatever it takes to stay awake.

The past three years we have done everything imaginable to get him to sleep. On a schedule. Without interuption. As much as he wanted. As much as we could get him to take.

And now that changes.

He needs to sleep through his EEG tomorrow at 1230. So we are going on the technician's advice of keeping him up until 11pm and waking him up at 5am. He's eating french fries right now in his underwear watching netflix on demand. Life is just good in 3 year old land.

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Thought I'd post a few layouts I've worked on. They were a little therapy for me to remind me of Ian's sweet smiling face!! (and to keep a positive outlook!)

Everything from Designer Digitals.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Things Change Quickly

I've been reluctant to write this. Not sure if I could. It has been a tough week. I'm just going to get it done. This is Ian's blog and I guess the good and the bad need to be documented equally. I guess. I'm not sure. But here goes.

My mom got here on Tuesday. Ian went to school, I picked her up from the train station and we enjoyed lunch and a tour of the Governor's Mansion together. I'd really wanted to spend time with her alone since we never do that anymore. We had a great afternoon. Walked to get Ian from school, got coffee at Pete's with the sweet gift card the Ferraras gave me. Shea joined us and we went across the street for dinner at Petes. We litteraly spent 3 hours in the same one block area of midtown. It was great afternoon! Came home and played in the front yard until it was time for Ian to go to bed.

And then...everything changed. While trying to get him to sleep he suddenly, unexpectedly stopped breathing. The color disappeared from his face. I think 30 seconds. It felt like 10 years. There was yelling. There was panic. There was confusion. I picked him up, put him on the floor, took his pajamas off. Mom ran for Shea downstairs. 911 was called. He started breathing again while Shea was talking to 911. All I can remember him saying was "my son isn't breathing, my son isn't breathing." I don't know how long it went on. Time stopped and sped up all at the same time.

I held Ian just looking at him. He was not right. His little face didn't look panick or afraid or anything. It was just blank. I asked him to talk to me. He just had a glazed nothingness to his expression and his eyes. I will never forget just how blank his sparkling eyes were.

The ambulance was on its way. We took him downstairs wrapped in his blanket. Only his Shrek underwear on. He clung to me. A cling from when he was so much smaller and so much more needy. So vulnerable.

He said a few words to me. But not many and barely audible.

The ambulance came. They checked everything. It all seemed ok. The ride with him in my arms seemed the longest drive I've ever experienced. I thought for a minute they were taking us to Roseville since I recognized nothing out of the back windows. They weren't.

The ER, if it can be, was a good experience. They helped him almost immediately. Drew blood, temperature, heart rate, everything. He cried when they put the needle in his arm to draw blood. It was such a sad cry and I hugged him closer but at the same time was relieved to hear him cry, see him move, see him be something like the normal little boy who just an hour before had been bouncing on the bed refusing to settle down to sleep.

They ordered a CT scan and took us more quickly than I expected. He was so tiny in the machine. His little head held in place and covered with a sheet. I laid beside him covered in a lead jacket with directions to hold his face so he didn't move. His little eyes were so afraid. Not certain what to expect. And I couldn't even tell him. I had never experienced one to know what it sounded like or look like or even did. He seemed amazed by the spinning but not so interested that he needed to move his head. Thank goodness.

And then we waited. He became more of the Ian we knew. About an hour after the initial moment he started to talk and goof and generally be Ian. Then he said, "let's go home and take a nap." Midnight. Yes, that is where we should have been. Home taking a nap. He asked us over and over.

We were still waiting. Trying to be strong and happy for him, but on the inside terrified of what we were going to find. Anxious to know what turn our life was going to take.

Nothing. Thank God. Nothing. All tests showed nothing. Not one thing. Everything fine. Everything.

So four hours after it all began we were sent out of the ER with directions to "keep him safe" if it happened again. Relieved a little. Frightened a lot. Completely unsure. Not much explanation. Sometimes it happens in little kids. Body shuts down. No risk unless it goes longer. See his doctor the next day. Get an EEG. That's it.

We all went to sleep quickly but it was not a restfull night. I couldn't turn over. I just needed to see him. Touch him. Know that he was still breathing. Know that it wasn't going to happen again.

In the morning he was Ian. Tired but just our Ian. Laughing, goofing, asking for a movie, playing with his light saber. Everything as it should be. He ate. He drank. He talked. All normal.

We visited his pediatrian. I love Dr. Cutts. He just has a way of making it all okay. He describes things beautifully, honors our internet research, and is completely thorough. He confirmed what we were already beginning to believe. A seizure. Not uncommon in children. Essentially the body rebooting. No pain. No memory of it. Just a need to shut down and restart. Probably held his breath when he got upset about not sleeping. Sent his little brain into a bit of a loop -- breathe, no hold breath, breathe, no hold breath. Common among 3 year old in the "tantrum age."

Now we just go on. Live life. It might happen again. It might not. Keep him safe. Time it if it does happen again. Today feels better than yesterday. Seeing him be Ian helps make it easier. I'm sure the memory will fade for us a little. I'm sure it will be easier to talk about. I know, without doubt, that image of his little body limp in my arms, blue in the face, lifeless won't pass soon. But I've comfort in hearing him play in the living room now with my mom. Talking of Star Wars and Halloween and everything else that should be in a 3 year old's life.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A BIG Week!

My mom is headed into town...should be here within an hour and a half! So excited to have her here all week. Lots of fun things planned including a day of just the two of us! Don't tell her that I'm taking her to the Governor's Mansion. She's always wanted to go, we've just never been able to work it into our day!

AND...the biggie?

Ian is going to ride the train home with her on Friday. His first train trip and his first weekend away from us! I'm a little worried about how he'll do, but excited for him to have the adventure! I'm taking photos of my friend's wedding this weekend so it works out great for us.

Now, I just need to get my mom a camera so she can document the weekend for me...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

There's a Mouse in the House!

So up at 330AM because I fell asleep with Ian at 800PM! Sitting in my office just taking a little stroll to a few of my favorite places on the internet. I hear something fall beside my desk. Not a huge fall. More of a scooting of something, like the noise you hear when something just shifts because it is in a precarious position. Then I hear it again.

And, who knows why, I decide to investigate. At 345AM!

I move some art that is stacked against the wall in my desk waiting to be hung (once I paint, remove the carpet, get new furniture, etc, etc). First the evidence. Tiny little bits of a Hershey's Kiss wrapper in the corner. A corner that Ian couldn't possibly get to. I continue to investigate (what am I thinking)

And then I hear it. The scamper of little feet as it runs in fright away from me. I scream even though I don't see it. I have no idea the size. No idea the color.

Now it is 4:00AM and I'm freaked out.

My feet are on top of my computer under my desk. No way I'm putting them on the ground. I'm listening for the slightest noise.

And all I can think is...why is the silly thing in my office? Doesn't it know that at any given moment Ian has left a smorgasbord of treats on the floor in the living room??!

Ah the joys of living close to the river...

(oh and that scream at 345AM? Unanswered by my sleeping hubby...geez...)

Friday, October 10, 2008

So I'm Not A Parent?

I don't discuss work much here because this is really Ian's space. But this is just bugging me TOO much!! There was a "gentleman" in my class today who uttered the words, "you aren't a parent if you've only had one kid." He said it just loud enough so only a few people heard it. A comment in line with the rest of his behavior...

It has made me fume...increasingly so as the day has drug on...

I carried him for 9 months
I altered my diet so he would be healthy
I endured natural child birth for his safety
I worked at nursing him for a month before he could do it on his own
I was sleep deprived for months
I spent countless hours in the living room late at night so Shea could get some sleep
I took him to the doctor every week for three months for a new caste.
I handed him to a doctor and left in tears so they could operate on his foot.
I waited a lifetime to get the cystic fybrosis test results back.
I was spit on.
I was peed on.
I cleaned poop from nooks and crannies.
I rocked him.
I held him.
I fed him.
I sang to him.
I worried about the choices I was making.
I called my mom a million times for help.
I called the doctor to confirm what my mom said.
I watched his milestones hoping he'd hit them.
I breathed a sigh of relief when he took his first steps.
I cried when he said momma for the first time.
I tried everything I could to soothe him so many evenings.
I documented every detail worried that I would miss something.
I slept beside him at night just to hear him breathe.
I held my hand on your chest to check you breathe.
I cried the first time I left you at home so I could go to work.
I cried when I arrived home to your smiling face.
I walked miles pushing you in the stroller just so you could be outside.
I went to work with little sleep.
I wiped your little nose and held your little hand.
I felt a knot at the pit of my stomach as I left you with someone else.
I worried all day about you.
I rushed to pick you up.
I thought I heard you when you weren't even with me.
I felt a surge of panic when I couldn't find you in the house.
I cried in relief when I found you playing quietly in your room.
I needed to laugh and scream the first time you unrolled the toilet paper.
I worried every time you wouldn't eat.
I was so proud the first time you said a word.
I watched as you "read" books.
I took you to the park.
I took you to the zoo.
I took you to the train museum.
I pried you from the swings.
I pried you from the dump truck.
I manuevered you and all of your stuff into the car.
I drove 200 miles with you in the backseat, just you and I.
I dressed you.
I bathed you.
I burped you.
I held you when you cried.
I enrolled you in preschool.
I reassured you the day I dropped you off.
I cried as a left you there.
I put you to bed.
I held you when you were sick.
I comforted you when you were afraid.
I explained why you can't cross the street.
I learned to kick a ball so I could teach you.
I attempt to hide my fear of dogs so you won't share it.
I change your diapers.
I wash your clothes.
I brush your teeth.
I take you to your potty.
I give you stickers of reward.
I praise you.
I worry about the choices I make.
I discuss your future with your dad.
I watch my language.
I watch my moods.
I change my behaviors.
I try to be a person you would admire.
I avoid saying negative things.
I attend parent meetings at your school.
I show you how to save your money.
I provide healthy foods for you.
I keep the house clean and refrigerator stocked.
I show you all the things to see in the world.
I try to explain what it all means.
I carry you when you don't want to walk.
I encourage you to make good choices.
I teach you how to be a good person.
I buckle you in your carseat.
I clean goldfish out of the car.
I extract toys from the couch.

I love you more than anything.

I guess I'm not a parent...

Monday, October 06, 2008


For the first time in more than 3 years I'm teaching a 5 day class. FIVE DAYS! In front of the room. Ian at school every day this week! I know many people go to work EVERYDAY of EVERY WEEK after WEEK after WEEK.

I'm lucky.

But, wow, FIVE DAYS!

You probably won't be seeing much of me this week.

Making up for all of those weeks that I didn't.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Fall is Here!

We had a busy Saturday which is a sure sign that fall is here! Rain, wind, leaves, pumpkins, pigs and today off to watch a 1/2 marathon! I love fall.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Remember that Project?

It is in the store now at Designer Digitals! I'm so excited to finally see it. 48 of the pages are mine! The most pages I've made in a two month period ever! What a great feeling to finally see it! It will be in the store for a long time...but why wait?? Don't you just wonder if your photo is in it??!

Friday, October 03, 2008


Just a little look at a bit of my week!

1. Woke up
2. Checked email and Designer Digitals
3. Got back in bed with Ian
4. Got up again
5. Drank Cin. Dolce Latte (no whip :)) with Shea
6. Said goodbye to Shea
7. Watched Clifford the Big Red Dog with Ian
8. Worked on a scrapbook page
9. Played with Ian
10. Started cleaning the kitchen
11. Gave Ian snacks
12. Finished scrapbook page
13. Cleaned kitchen more
14. Played "this little piggy" with Ian
15. Attempted to get Ian to nap
16. Ate lunch
17. Attempted to get Ian to lay down
18. Gave up on nap
19. Played with Ian
20. Finished a monumental cleaning of the kitchen
20. Shea home from work!
21. Made/Ate/cleaned up dinner
22. Played on computer while Shea took Ian to the park (in the rain!)
22. Put Ian to bed
23. Listened to the rain
24. Played on computer and listened to movie Shea was watching

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Not Often Enough

IMG_4841, originally uploaded by katrina.kennedy.

Ian's friends got together at "our" park this afternoon. They have all grown into these little just amazes me! They get so excited when they see each other and today just squeeled with absolute delight! We just don't get together as often as we used to. Preschool schedules, new brothers (all brothers!), and busy lives.

Over three years ago we all met in prenatal yoga and for whatever reasons, connected, and have kept in touch. Moms and kiddos have been an important part of my becoming a mom having something resembling sanity!

We started gathering for coffee when they were just weeks old sharing stories of sleepless nights and developmental milestones. Now we gather at the park (or some other place the kids can run) and talk about funny things they say and Halloween costumes. Everyone says time goes by fast, they weren't kidding!!

*****Week In The Life Project*********
1. Wake up ( a little later)
2. Get Ian up and dressed for school
3. Ride bike to Preschool
4. Be mobbed by a dozen 3 year olds who all want pictures taken
5. Decaf soy cap at Weatherstone
6. Quick visit by Justin who saw my bike outside
7. Home for a little work
8. A little laundry
9. A little internet surfing
10. Meet Amity for lunch (a long one!)
11. Pick Ian up
12. Go to park to meet kiddos
13. Go across street to our house with the herd of kids because you can't convince only one of them to go the bathroom!
14. Play with kiddos
15. See Paul's sweet new iMac with 24inch monitor! *jealous*
16. Dinner...picked up again...bad eating week for some reason!
17. Watch the debate (if you can call it that)
18. Howl at the moon with Ian
19. Play with photos
20. Go to bed a little earlier than normal! (!)

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Boy in a Bucket

IMG_4706, originally uploaded by katrina.kennedy.

He is obsessed with Halloween. We started the 31 day count down today with little pumpkins I cut out and we're taping to the wall. He announces that he is going to be Darth Vader then Darth Maul and continues that path!! I'm certainly hoping he will be agreeable to being a vampire when the big day arrives.

His Mumzy (aka my mom) has made him a costume that I'm certain will be too stinking cute! It's year number three for her costume making and while last years was THE BEST I imagine this year wil lbe even better!!

**************Week In The Life Update**********************
Had to take photos with my phone today, but still taking them!

1. Woke up reluctantly...
2. Piled everyone into the car(never a great day when it involves the car!)
3. Dropped Ian off at school
4. Shea dropped me off at CalPERS
5. Taught "Managing Yourself on the Job" to a great group of people who laughed at all of my jokes!! (and encouraged me to persue that stand up gig!)
6. Ate a wierd lunch consisting of a spicy pickle, carrots and chocolate soy milk
7. Shea picked me up
8. Picked Ian up from school
9. Hung out with neighbors discussing Obama, Star Wars, Family Guy and the merits of our soil
10. Justin and Breena came over
11. Ate Chinese take out with them
12. Played soccer with Ian in the park
13. Shea put Ian to bed...and never returned!
13. Cruised facebook, designerdigitals and flickr for a while


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