Friday, August 20, 2010

The Corner Seemed Safest

Nine months ago.

I stepped into the studio and found a spot in the corner. So close to the corner that my elbow rubbed the wall if I wasn't careful.

I was nervous.

Anxious.

Curious.

The corner seemed safest.

After 75 minutes following the teacher's directions I realized something. Somewhere in the previous five years, I had stopped breathing. Holding my breath had become my way of getting through my days and weeks and years. Everything about a boy in my life had challenged my confidence and presence and direction. I no longer had rules or a manual or a map. I had a little boy who needed me and frightened me and brought me love, all at the same time.

In the studio with each breath, I felt better. I felt stronger. I felt more like the me I'd forgotten I could be.

Six weeks ago, I stepped into that same studio to begin a 40 Day Transformation. I wasn't sure what that meant for me. I knew I wanted to be more fit and perhaps a little smaller. And if I'm honest with you, the lure of unlimited yoga for 40 days seemed like a great bargain.

I had no idea.

I had no idea the work I would do and what would be on the other side of that work. Yoga six days a week, daily meditation, awareness of food, journaling questions, community meetings. I can mark it on my mental calendar as the moment I got my life back.

There were tears. There was joy. There was laughter. There was a lot of sweat.

Through the work I realized some things about myself. I realized I love my husband more than I ever could admit. I understood that the pain and rage I so often hurled at him was from somewhere deep inside me. The very anger I felt for myself, I'd piled upon him, blamed him for it, and taken it out on him. And because of that we all suffered.

They say through yoga your heart opens. I know how that may sound to you. I know how it sounded to me the first time. But then I felt it. I melted into a pool of sobs on my yoga mat. I met all my ugliness head on and knew my heart was ripping open. There was pain, both physical and emotional. But it was the work I needed to do.

My house is different now. I feel joy. True joy.

I can feel a difference in my brain and see a difference in my body. The work is not over because the work is my life.

Are you wondering why I share this? Are you wondering why I am putting this out into the world on a blog typically filled with photos and stories of a little boy in my life?

The last 40 days I've spent a lot of time away from my family practicing yoga, meditating, and in community meetings. In that time away, I grew closer to my family. I was forced to question my presence, my ability to be in the moment. I was forced to look at the relationships in my life and the intention that defines my days.

I began to understand how much I'd been reaching out to a community of strangers to fill something in me. To provide something for me. I don't even know what it was I needed from you. I thank you for all you have given me, the kind words, the great questions, the support of my photography classes and ebook. I love you for that. It is an important part of the journey I'm on. In building an online community of friends, I had been robbing my family of me. I spent more time typing on plastic keys than holding Ian's hand or having real conversation with my husband. We shared common space, but we were often so far apart. Doing our own things. I was fooling myself into believing that is how everyone wanted it to be.

So I left you my friends. I left you to truly engage with my family. I left to be present with a little boy who is growing and changing and who will someday (despite what he says today) want to step out the front door to create his own life. I left to be present with my husband who loves me even though I did everything I could to push him away for the last ten years.

It has been an incredible 40 days. I have deepened the relationships with those most dear to me and in that will begin to redefine the rest of my life.

I'm not leaving you. I'm really not.

I'm just changing our terms a bit. I will no longer attempt to post every day. You may miss some of the mundane day to day details About A Boy, but what I will bring is more depth. More real. More me. I vow to engage with you in a more present and centered way as well. Quality over quantity.

Thank you for being here for me. And thank you for understanding.

Thank you for being part of my transformation.

Oh, and by the way, I've moved out of the corner. The middle feels much better.

18 comments:

wendy said...

so proud of you katrina. we all need to find our authentic selves. the ones we buried when we got married or had kids or started that job or whatever. i am excited for you that you are living authentically again with an open heart. namaste.

Amanda kayte said...

Proud of you Trina! =^**

Kimberly said...

BIG hug to you :) You are amazing. Enjoy your journey.

The Grounds Family said...

Wow Katrina...I was wondering what was up with you. You don't know me from Adam, but I am happy for you and this journey. You are the second person that I "cyberknow" who has taken this yoga journey and found their true selves again and resumed the path that they were meant to follow. Congratulations. I will look forward to your posts even more.
Thank you for sharing yourself as you had in the past, you have made a difference in many lives, but thank you for finding that others need you more.

Lisa Smiley said...

Your post gave me chills. So very true..these stupid plastic keys. Thank you so much for the gentle and needed reminder of the really important things. Hugs. Lisa

sarah said...

wow, katrina this all sounds so familiar to me... so proud of you and the journey you are on.

Cheryl M said...

Wow! The part about the plastic keys and not having real conversations with your husband has hit home hard. We also share the same space but are yet a world apart.
Bless you for posting this........has me really thinking.
Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

you are amazing my dear friend...congratulations on your focus, determination and continuing journey. i am proud to know you and call you my friend. love ya....kathie

Doris said...

Go you, Katrina.
Sounds like a wonderful place to been in. Congratulations for getting there.

esther_a said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
esther_a said...

I can't imagine you being cranky! You certainly present the happy, constructive, loving part of yourself online. I do wonder how some people can spend so much time scrapping and participating online. I've taken a bit of a break from flickr for those reasons you've mentioned. It is brilliant that you are feeling so much happier and in control! And it is fabulous that you share to remind us all to take stock occasionally.

Sally said...

Bravo! Sounds like your life has had a real injection of positivity in it. That is so truly wonderful. I can empathise and relate to so much of what you have written so I understand just how marvelous this is.
Go forth and enjoy. Go forth and love.

Debi said...

You are truly amazing... I'm so happy for you and very proud to call you friend.

Carol said...

Bravo Katrina, my hat goes off to you.

Carol said...

Bravo Katrina, my hat goes off to you.

Jan said...

Wow, Katrina.
Just ... wow.
Y'know, I've always been curious about yoga and it's draw. hmmmm ...

Happy for you and the path you're on. It's both heartwarming and inspiring :)

um.... said...

amazing, Katrina. this is lots of work, and my hat is off to you for being willing to do it. i am hanging on to the place where you were, and frankly, it's probably going to kill me. old habits, as they say, are hard to break. and one can't create a new family life by oneself. everyone has to be invested. but, i guess the starting point has to be one's own self. and that surely means something.

all the best.

whatnext (phylis)

Joey_M said...

I have been missing your posts, but I am so proud of you & your journey! You are an inspiration to me. I am thankful for you, your thoughts, and the wisdom you have brought to my life.

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