Nine months ago.
I stepped into the studio and found a spot in the corner. So close to the corner that my elbow rubbed the wall if I wasn't careful.
I was nervous.
The corner seemed safest.
After 75 minutes following the teacher's directions I realized something. Somewhere in the previous five years, I had stopped breathing. Holding my breath had become my way of getting through my days and weeks and years. Everything about a boy in my life had challenged my confidence and presence and direction. I no longer had rules or a manual or a map. I had a little boy who needed me and frightened me and brought me love, all at the same time.
In the studio with each breath, I felt better. I felt stronger. I felt more like the me I'd forgotten I could be.
Six weeks ago, I stepped into that same studio to begin a 40 Day Transformation. I wasn't sure what that meant for me. I knew I wanted to be more fit and perhaps a little smaller. And if I'm honest with you, the lure of unlimited yoga for 40 days seemed like a great bargain.
I had no idea.
I had no idea the work I would do and what would be on the other side of that work. Yoga six days a week, daily meditation, awareness of food, journaling questions, community meetings. I can mark it on my mental calendar as the moment I got my life back.
There were tears. There was joy. There was laughter. There was a lot of sweat.
Through the work I realized some things about myself. I realized I love my husband more than I ever could admit. I understood that the pain and rage I so often hurled at him was from somewhere deep inside me. The very anger I felt for myself, I'd piled upon him, blamed him for it, and taken it out on him. And because of that we all suffered.
They say through yoga your heart opens. I know how that may sound to you. I know how it sounded to me the first time. But then I felt it. I melted into a pool of sobs on my yoga mat. I met all my ugliness head on and knew my heart was ripping open. There was pain, both physical and emotional. But it was the work I needed to do.
My house is different now. I feel joy. True joy.
I can feel a difference in my brain and see a difference in my body. The work is not over because the work is my life.
Are you wondering why I share this? Are you wondering why I am putting this out into the world on a blog typically filled with photos and stories of a little boy in my life?
The last 40 days I've spent a lot of time away from my family practicing yoga, meditating, and in community meetings. In that time away, I grew closer to my family. I was forced to question my presence, my ability to be in the moment. I was forced to look at the relationships in my life and the intention that defines my days.
I began to understand how much I'd been reaching out to a community of strangers to fill something in me. To provide something for me. I don't even know what it was I needed from you. I thank you for all you have given me, the kind words, the great questions, the support of my photography classes and ebook. I love you for that. It is an important part of the journey I'm on. In building an online community of friends, I had been robbing my family of me. I spent more time typing on plastic keys than holding Ian's hand or having real conversation with my husband. We shared common space, but we were often so far apart. Doing our own things. I was fooling myself into believing that is how everyone wanted it to be.
So I left you my friends. I left you to truly engage with my family. I left to be present with a little boy who is growing and changing and who will someday (despite what he says today) want to step out the front door to create his own life. I left to be present with my husband who loves me even though I did everything I could to push him away for the last ten years.
It has been an incredible 40 days. I have deepened the relationships with those most dear to me and in that will begin to redefine the rest of my life.
I'm not leaving you. I'm really not.
I'm just changing our terms a bit. I will no longer attempt to post every day. You may miss some of the mundane day to day details About A Boy, but what I will bring is more depth. More real. More me. I vow to engage with you in a more present and centered way as well. Quality over quantity.
Thank you for being here for me. And thank you for understanding.
Thank you for being part of my transformation.
Oh, and by the way, I've moved out of the corner. The middle feels much better.